Friday, August 12, 2005

The Heavy Veil

I’ve had that feeling again – overwhelmed at everything, frustrated, too…I have decided to take it easy and enjoy myself (a thought I rediscover every now and again).

I wonder…at the reasons why it is such an absurd struggle to gain recognition for the artists and filmmakers involved in the Festival. I am not doing this for myself; I am doing it for them. They deserve to have their art seen and respected. The people who share this festival with me are not doing this for themselves; they are doing it for the dream of the artist. I find it difficult, at times, to comprehend the obstacles that are knowingly placed in front of the truest hearts. I see the disappointment, the frustration in the eyes of my friends, my love…and myself.

My mind is a busy place and I am constantly trying for balance. I cannot remember the day of the week or five minutes ago, but I remember the adventure I conjured in my mind three years ago. A curse, perhaps…

Sometimes I just want to sleep…but I never ever get anything done when I sleep. I am tired all the time, because so much needs to be done!

I have grown to enjoy quietude and peace. Our apartment is a haven for serenity. I can think clearly again, and relax. I love to dream.

I have decided against the monthly film series. I believe I should, once again, place more emphasis on myself, and my love, and let someone else chase the dream for a while. I have the Festival to plan for and think about, and in regards to such, I am taking it easy there as well. I am tired of chasing media and exposure. If Tulsa wants to see a festival full of bullshit, then there are plenty to choose from; I will not be one of them.

I am so looking forward to this vacation. It will be difficult to come back…. back to nothing.


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